fragments · of · memories

I felt stupid last night. Really stupid. All because of these insecurities.

I don't like using his name, so let's call him Wall. Okay, Wall is a guy who unofficially courted me, that I unofficially dumped from the very start. Reasons: I don't feel anything for him. Period.

Last night he was with another girl. Well, they'd just met, but they seemed to get along well. That's kind of affecting me, because you know, I've lost one of my fans. And it's my fault. I didn't want him in the first place. I still don't want him, mind you. It's just that...it feels so awkward.

Stupid me when I suddenly began treating him nicely, opposing to what I've been doing since I met him, snubbing and ignoring. I wasn't exactly real nice. He asked a question, I answered it with puppy eyes. Usually when he does, I don't even look at him.

What'd you call that instinct not to lose any of your admirers? Stupidness?

It's been a long time since I've speculated on my real feelings, so I'm having a hard time elaborating things. It's not that I'm regretting that I dumped him. It's just really really really awkward.

My mind played with me and brought Clay up. I'd like to think of him as my hero. I feel proud that I had a little bit of something with him, but only during these kind of times. Whenever I see prospective guys, he automatically comes to mind in the hope that he'd rescue me from them. That's stupid because I know he's absolutely gone. That's not healthy either because I'm trying to push myself to believe something unreal.

The girl was okay-pretty and very very very friendly. Why would I blame him if he found her interesting because she actually wanted to talk to him? And she was really sincere. They should hook up.

Honestly, I don't like what's going on in our family--the relationship I have with my parents, at least. There's too much silent communication. I don't know. Maybe it's because I grew up being used to not sharing with them. They haven't taught me anything. I'm 18 and I don't know anything! I don't think they're looking forward to college-educating me either. They show no signs of enthusiasm or support or encouragement that I should go to college. And that maybe the reason why I'm having second thoughts about it.

There are times when I think I could survive without a college degree and live financially free. There are times when I think should go to college, but confused why I should.

Why should I go to college? To have a life. There's my answer.

I've been living like a dummy for the past two years. Living without a life. Stuck in this flat, apartment, whatever you call it. My brain's chewing itself off by lack of mental stimulation. My life's a total shame. Basically, because I don't have one.

So this is it, and I've decided: I want to be college-educated.

And I will be.